"Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one."
- The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde
I just had a relationship end. It didn't end with laughter. Or at all well. Rather unhappy words were exchanged and we said goodbye. Probably for good.
As I becry the loss of this short but fun-filled adventure, I can't help but sigh in detrition at the tally marks adding up. Yet another screwed-up attempt at romance. Yet another hurt heart.
When my emotions well up, I experience physical pain. My heart literally aches. And now, I feel the pressure building up in my chest, the sting behind the eyes. It feels as though my body mourns the loss as much as my soul does.
I know it's for the best that this is over. The timing wasn't right, the support wasn't there. Being female, I can't help but confide in my friends and compare stories, talk about relationships and what's going on. He didn't want me to talk to anyone about him.
Ever.
And I just can't commit myself to that. It's not a matter of taking him seriously, or of respect. It's a matter of how women are wired. They need to talk to each other. I need to talk. It's not gossip. It's sharing your life. It's how we connect- through relationships with other humans in the same plight.
"The things one feels absolutely certain about are never true. That is the fatality of Faith, and the lesson of Romance." - Dorian Gray
Just yesterday, I was thinking about the counseling that I went through at the beginning of the year. It did me a world of good. I thought about going back to see my counselor and telling her, "What wonderful progress I've made! I'm in a great relationship, and I'm acting like an adult and everything's going perfect!"
What is God trying to teach me here? It seems these lessons all end in me feeling more cynical than ever. If God is teaching me to guard my heart, He may as well just tell me to lock it away from everyone. People hurt you. Why bother with friendships, with conversation, with community? Inevitably, a piece of your heart will be given away, and when it's flung back at you with all the force of a decent fastball, you can only pick up the pieces and lock it away again.
Daddy, I'm tired of all this disappointment. What happened to abundant joy? What happened to a life of victory? I try to focus on You alone, but You also want me to love people. How can I do that without being hurt?
This is where it feels like Scripture fails me. In all the books written by men, it feels so logical. But I'm not a man. I can't function on logic all the time, and when God portrays Himself as a man through the Bible, I can't connect on that level. God made me female for a reason. But what, I wonder. It would be so much easier to shut off the fountains of emotion.
That's why I envy men.
No comments:
Post a Comment