The Life I Wish I'd Lived

I live with a general sense of dread.

No, it's true. I'm terrified of being alive.

I don't want to make any big mistakes. I walk on eggshells all the time, considering and reevaluating my decisions, making sure my choices were the right ones.

This sense of dread was instilled in my by my parents. I can't count the number of times they said, "We don't want you to make the same mistakes we made."

So I live in fear of making any mistakes at all. I don't take a chance. Ever. Especially not in matters of the heart.

I've been brought up not to trust my own judgment. "You're still young. You're not seeing the whole picture." Trust Us.

But then there's dread in the other direction. I fear that Life will pass me by. I'll waste it analyzing what I'm going to do and second-guessing myself. I'll spend so much time trying not to screw it up that I miss all my chances at success, too. In this scenario, I end up a worried, sad old woman who dreams of the things she could have done had she let herself live.

I don't want to live in fear. That's no way to follow God's leading. We are to live joyful, unified, victorious lives for the sake of Christ.

But the question remains, that one plodding, plaguing, question:
What the hell is a victorious life anyway?!