Confessions of a Redeemed Addict

Back in high school, I watched the film Titan A.E. I loved it. Around the same(ish) time, Star Wars E.1 had come out and I had really started getting into science fiction. Also around that time, I was inspired by my friend Sara to start writing. We read all the Star Wars books and imagined ourselves in the story (because our real lives were too boring).

So while we were writing out our versions of the events preceding Episode 1, I was also poking around on the web to find places where I could practice my storywriting ability.

I found Kotuku, an online role-playing game based on the Titan AE universe in which you create a fictional character, apply for a job on a fictional spaceship, and write out your interactions with other fictional characters written by real people elsewhere.

Due to the fact that I was amazingly immature at the time, I wanted my character always to be the protagonist and only to ever have good happy things happen to her. So I started treating other characters like crap, and I ended up leaving the site, totally confused as to why everyone there hated me.

So I began searching for another place where I could write. I found RPoL, a website with different categories of stories where someone creates an idea, you create a character, and then apply with the GM (Game Master). You then proceed with the GM's idea, writing your portion of the story from your character's point of view.

I was there for a while, but I quickly discovered the "Adult" section of the site and although I never applied for any stories there, I found some where the posts were not private and I could read sick and twisted descriptions of gratuitous sex. I quickly developed an addiction to this pornographic material. In an attempt to curb my habit, I left the site and stopped writing stories there, thinking that the temptation was too great.

I was right.

Although I moved on to StoryCrafter (a website of the same purpose but generally more
organized and more grown-up than RPoL), I found myself returning to RPoL and reading the perverse scripts again and again. Indeed, I began to write such material myself on StoryCrafter, a fact which for years I have been adept to hide except from the people who were co-writing.

While you may not see the harm in this, let me tell you that graphic descriptions of sex are so much more sly in the psyche than depictions. I did once move up to full-on video pornography, but the images resonated so much in my brain that I swore I would never again cast my eyes on such filth. For days afterward I could see nothing else in my mind. I begged God to take the memories away from me which, to a large extent, He did. I can still see it in my mind from time to time, but I quickly replace those images with Scripture (esp. Philippians 4:8). The words, however, stir up emotions which I cannot silence. They creep in. They invade your mind, your ears, your eyes. Certain words trigger memories and the imagination fills in the gaps.

Back to my story. About a year before I had taken a hiatus from StoryCrafter spawned by some events with other writers that left me hurt and disgusted with people. Another writer had said things to other people behind my back, criticized and belittled me, and generally spread a hate of me around the StoryCrafter community. This was someone I had trusted, seen as a friend and a confidant, a mentor even. The fact that he did this hurt me so much that I didn't want to so much as look at a story again.

But over the next year, God did a lot of healing in my life and showed me where I had been mistaken. However, this didn't change my habits of reading pornography. In fact, at this point, it had graduated beyond just a mental addiction and was well into the physical stages. It was until just about a month before I left for Africa that I was involved in this.

But then God really got hold of me. He showed me the effect that this habit was having on my life, my walk, my friends, my relationships. I had a brief vision of sorts, seeing how my life and romantic relationships would have progressed had I never started reading that stuff. I liked that version better. And I saw that I had a choice. I could 1) Consider the last several years lost, my innocence lost, and continue living with this on my shoulders OR 2) Cast my burden on Christ, plead for forgiveness, and embrace a newfound purity in my newfound Relationship.

I chose the second. It hasn't been easy. Hell, saying all this hasn't been easy. But it's been necessary. Yes, I've slipped. Yes, I still occasionally have very obscene thoughts and make disgustingly suggestive comments. But Christ forgives, right? And thankfully, friends forgive too.

Part of me is worried that since I have all this crap in my head, sex when I'm married will be a disappointment if it doesn't live up to all the hype people write into it. But I think God created it to be more than just what the world sees it as- a physical pursuit of pleasure. So despite my concerns, I'm determined to live out the rest of my days without purposely putting anything in my way to taint my mind further. To bring my husband honor and not shame, all the days of my life (Prov. 31)

Why have I said all of this? Actually, it started out as a brief introduction to collaborative writing. But then it graduated.

I guess I said it partly because it needed to be said. Partly also because it shows where we can sink if we don't guard our hearts. And it shows that Christ forgives, we move on, we still struggle, but we still try. With God's grace, we have victory.