Trajectory

Am I a fraud? I don't know. I feel like my opinions are all just tripe in the light of someone who actually knows what they're talking about. I feel like I have been fooling myself. Maybe I'm not as honest as I claim. I'm as honest as I can be with other people, but not with myself at the root of my being. I try to have intelligent opinions, and I alienate people at the expense of being a social rebel.

Something's wrong with the way the world sees things. And I think most of us can agree that something's wrong with the way the Church sees things too. So, I tried to make up for it by forming opinions which are different.

But I missed the mark, too. And this is what hurts me. I thought that I was forming intelligent opinions about issues, when really I was just protecting myself from being too vulnerable. I didn't even want me to see what's really inside. I am hiding from myself.

I don't want to be one of those women who loses her personality to the man she's with. I don't want to lose my identity because, for the first time in my life, I actually like myself. Yes, sometimes I'm bitter, sarcastic, and jaded, but other times I'm more hopeful, funny, and lucid than anyone you've ever met. And I'm okay with that. I'd prefer to lose some of the bitterness, and God is working in me to be more empathic; less detached.

So here's the bottom line: I have no idea what I want.

Except that I do. 1 Peter 2:17 sums it up. Here it is from The Message: "Treat everyone you meet with dignity. Love your spiritual family. Revere God. Respect the government." It really is that simple. This is what I want.

When I die, I hope that this is what people say about me. That I treated everyone with dignity. That I loved the Church. That I revered God. And that I was a good citizen, respecting the government and taking a stand when necessary.

A long night of tossing and turning followed by a morning of verbal and written processing brings me to this end: that whatever God is doing in my life, it is THE BEST.

Even when it's hard or painful or irritating or heart-rending. Even when I'm not following Him. Everything He does in my life is for my own Good, and for His Glory. Which makes it the Best. As C.S. Lewis put it, God is "making us into the type of person that He wants". And can we really ask for more?

But to remind yourself constantly that God's Best is in the works for you takes an immense faith. A faith which I'm not sure I know very well. The following is a quote from a blog that I found (overduehappiness.blogspot.com):

What is this elusive thing called faith?

If I have seen the sun rise above the mountains over and over again, and I believe that the sun will continue to rise above the mountains every single day - is that faith?

If I have never seen the sun rise above the mountains, but I am told and I firmly believe that the sun will, eventually, rise above the mountains - is that faith?

If I have lived in a world of darkness my whole life, never knowing any better, and am told about light and colours and all beautiful things seen, and then despairingly, achingly, anxiously wait for the sun to rise above the mountains because I need it, I want it to rise - is that faith?

When will the day break?

And yet, I know all things happen for a reason with the God who loves us more than we can imagine or know or dream.

So now I know that God is forming my life to make me into what He wants. And He asks me simple things. "Follow me." "Sell your possessions." "Feed my sheep." These are all very simple, but never easy. Never, ever easy. They will always force me to confront the things that my culture tells me are true, since our cultures all have it backward.

But when I Know God truly, and I Trust Him with my Life, then I can never be a Fraud. I can only be the most Authentic version of myself possible.

Therefore, I am.