My most recent relationship, it seems, was quite destructive. I didn't realize it at the time, but now that I'm looking back at it, I see how words and attitudes were harmful to me. God had been healing my heart for a few years before this relationship officially began. Over the months of the relationship, though, my self-esteem was chip-chip-chipped away. When the relationship ended, I found myself in the worst emotional shape that I've been in years. My perspective had been totally altered, and I was essentially dead inside.
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I've started going to a new Bible study on Tuesday nights. It replaces the one that my ex teaches, and it has put me in an entirely new position. I am the oldest attendee, and I've been a Christian the longest. Of the five of us who have been there the last couple of weeks, two are brand new Christians and one might not be saved at all. By default, this puts me in a position of mentoring and discipleship that I've never had before.
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My friend Be is brutally honest. The other day, he yelled at me, "Holy f***, you have the lowest self-esteem in the whole world!"
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The other day, my friend Br asked me a question that got me thinking. See, we chat a lot. Pretty much every day. He noticed that I never started a conversation with him, so he asked. The first thought that came to my mind was that I'm an introvert, but then so is he. And then I said something which changed my life forever: "honestly, I generally don't initiate conversations. Not in person, not on the phone, not on IM. I guess I just don't want to bother people. I always feel like a bother."
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All these events coalesce tonight into the perfect storm of honesty. I believe many lies, and I live a life based on those lies. And tonight I admit one of the biggest ones, the lie that permeates every corner of my existence: the lie that I am a waste of time. No, don't laugh. I actually believe this.
-It's why I don't ever call you-- you obviously have better things to do.
-It's why I tell you my life is fine-- you don't have time to listen to me.
-It's why I sit in my classroom instead of talking to the other teachers-- they have plenty on their plates already.
Now, you can give me all the classic answers to this low self-esteem. You can tell me I need to realize who I am in Christ. You can give me Bible verses that say things about that. You can give me a guilt trip that would make your mother proud. But all that does is make me feel worse.
Because the Gospel of Jesus should be enough.
Because the love of God should satisfy me.
But it's not enough. The lie is deep. It is grown into my heart, and the only way I can be rid of this lie is to have a total heart transplant.
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Some of the issues engendered by this lie are so rooted in my identity that I can't even separate them anymore.
For instance, I'm now afraid of every being in a relationship again. I don't want to risk my heart. This last time, someone made the judgment that I am not enough, and it ruined me. I don't want to fail.
I'm afraid of building deep relationships with people at work, because I think they'll see through me. They will make the judgment that I'm not enough. I don't want to fail.
I'm extremely motivated to further my education, and not to quit yet another thing because then that will just prove that I don't have what it takes. I don't want to fail.
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I try to do it all on my own, but I can't.
I try to avoid being hurt, but that hurts more.
I stay out of people's lives because I believe I have nothing to offer.
I mean, if I was prettier, skinnier, more spiritual, more homey, a better cook, more demure, more charming, more... just more, J wouldn't have broken up with me and I wouldn't be single right now, would I?
Would I?
I would.
Because it's not J's opinion that matters. Or Be's. Or Br's. Or the Bible Study girls'.
It's God's. and His plan for me is the one I want to pursue.
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