We went to see "Slumdog Millionaire" last night. It was one of the best films I've ever seen, and completely fantastic. I mean fantastic in that it was a fantasy-- a sequence of events that would never happen.
A young man, brought up among the very poorest in India, makes his way onto a reality show to find the woman he loves.
It is his deep, fierce, passionate love that breaks my heart, and is the most imaginary aspect of all. It breaks my heart that I will never experience love like that.
See, only beautiful people in movies get that kind of love. The kind that grabs onto you and never lets go. The kind that makes you risk life and limb to be with that one person.
I have honestly never met anyone that much in love. Because that kind of love does not exist.
I run all over the world. I purposely dramatize my life. I create crises, hoping that someday I'll feel that deep-rooted longing, that intense crash of emotion.
But I never will.
I am doomed to live a life dreaming of fairy tales which will never come true.
I truly am content to be single, and I will be single until someone loves me with that kind of love.
Until someone would risk everything for me, I am content with no one.
I hear the lie telling me that the reason I haven't been loved is because I don't deserve it, but that's not true.
The reason no one has love me so violently is that such love does not exist.
I refuse to be like everyone I know-- marrying because it is the next logical step in life.
And so, alone I remain.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Can I mention that I'm saying this in love?
Correct me if I'm wrong but in my experience, when someone says, “I'm saying this in love,” they almost never are.
Having dealt with people in all ranges of maturity it seems to me that when someone gets angry or hurt, and then they think about it, work through the trampled feelings, and decide the best course is to confront the person responsible, they never say, “I am saying this in love,” because they don't feel the need to convince anyone. Their words and actions are enough without having to cushion the blow.
People say, “I'm saying this in love” for one reason: To make it sound like they are not hurt or angry, but rather looking out for YOUR best interests. They just want you to know that maybe your attitude is not the best. Or that sometimes you need to watch what you say and maybe be a bit more thoughtful toward other people's feelings. They want to sound like the bigger person when, in fact, they are just lashing back at you for stepping on their pride.
So they say something “in love” in order to hide their own wounded emotions. Which is a bunch of bull if you ask me. If you're hurt, just say you're hurt. Don't try to cushion it. Don't pretend you love me when really, you're mad at me right now.
If you actually ARE saying it in love, then your words and actions will show your loving heart and you won't have to reassure me that you are, indeed, being loving.
Reminding me that you're speaking in love just makes you a Pharisee. It's not any different than when they would fast and walk around with drawn cheeks, misery written on their faces, saying “Woe is me! I'm fasting! Pity me!”
When you say, “I'm saying this in love,” what you're really telling me is, “I am being the bigger person here. Look! Watch me be the bigger person! I'm hurt and I'm speaking in love! Pity me! Apologize to me! Make me feel better! You are the one that hurt me and now I'm getting back at you by not lashing out directly but rather passive-aggressively making you feel exactly the way I felt! Yay for me!!!!!”
Which, I'm sure, is exactly what Jesus would do.
Having dealt with people in all ranges of maturity it seems to me that when someone gets angry or hurt, and then they think about it, work through the trampled feelings, and decide the best course is to confront the person responsible, they never say, “I am saying this in love,” because they don't feel the need to convince anyone. Their words and actions are enough without having to cushion the blow.
People say, “I'm saying this in love” for one reason: To make it sound like they are not hurt or angry, but rather looking out for YOUR best interests. They just want you to know that maybe your attitude is not the best. Or that sometimes you need to watch what you say and maybe be a bit more thoughtful toward other people's feelings. They want to sound like the bigger person when, in fact, they are just lashing back at you for stepping on their pride.
So they say something “in love” in order to hide their own wounded emotions. Which is a bunch of bull if you ask me. If you're hurt, just say you're hurt. Don't try to cushion it. Don't pretend you love me when really, you're mad at me right now.
If you actually ARE saying it in love, then your words and actions will show your loving heart and you won't have to reassure me that you are, indeed, being loving.
Reminding me that you're speaking in love just makes you a Pharisee. It's not any different than when they would fast and walk around with drawn cheeks, misery written on their faces, saying “Woe is me! I'm fasting! Pity me!”
When you say, “I'm saying this in love,” what you're really telling me is, “I am being the bigger person here. Look! Watch me be the bigger person! I'm hurt and I'm speaking in love! Pity me! Apologize to me! Make me feel better! You are the one that hurt me and now I'm getting back at you by not lashing out directly but rather passive-aggressively making you feel exactly the way I felt! Yay for me!!!!!”
Which, I'm sure, is exactly what Jesus would do.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Something I'm incredibly proud of
I was bored so I made these. They are backgrounds. Feel free to use them. I call them, "People Jesus Loves"
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Stuck in the Middle
Tomorrow is my birthday.
I'm actually not at all excited. Turning 24 is scary, man. I know, I know, all you people older are thinking, "Oh kid, get over it."
But seriously. I am officially in my mid-twenties now. Statistically speaking, one-third of my life is over. And what have I done? Have I made any impact on the world?
None. There's nothing to be my legacy, and I'm terrified that it will always be that way.
I'm an over-achiever. I know stories of brilliant young people who accomplish so much and my need for perfection drives me on. I have spent 24 years on this planet, and have nothing to show for it but a few scars and a lot of heartache.
Maybe this melancholy has something to do with the depression I've been feeling for a couple of months now. I've been sick for quite some time. I've been diagnosed with stress ulcers, migraines, and who knows what else is hiding in my system. I'm at a thankless job where nothing I do ends up right.
I just can't wait to go home and start afresh.
I'm actually not at all excited. Turning 24 is scary, man. I know, I know, all you people older are thinking, "Oh kid, get over it."
But seriously. I am officially in my mid-twenties now. Statistically speaking, one-third of my life is over. And what have I done? Have I made any impact on the world?
None. There's nothing to be my legacy, and I'm terrified that it will always be that way.
I'm an over-achiever. I know stories of brilliant young people who accomplish so much and my need for perfection drives me on. I have spent 24 years on this planet, and have nothing to show for it but a few scars and a lot of heartache.
Maybe this melancholy has something to do with the depression I've been feeling for a couple of months now. I've been sick for quite some time. I've been diagnosed with stress ulcers, migraines, and who knows what else is hiding in my system. I'm at a thankless job where nothing I do ends up right.
I just can't wait to go home and start afresh.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
"Love is for fools wise enough to take a chance."
Kudos if you can tell me where that quote is from.
Now it's time for a little rant on my side.
We hear all sorts of junk about how women have these unrealistic ideas about shiny knights on white stallions. Personally I would settle for a brown-and-blond Belgian, but that's just me. The thing is, I never hear anybody talking about guys and THEIR unrealistic expectations.
A few weeks ago I was talking to a bunch of guys and they were discussing girls. I took a few things away from listening to them. Here are some of the things they said or implied that they wanted in a woman. She should:
-like the outdoors.
-enjoy long hiking/camping trips.
-be rustic/ able to survive on campfire meals and sleeping in tents.
-take good care of herself.
-be an amazing Godly woman.
-keep a good clean house.
-cook well.
-be willing to have lots of babies.
-play sports
-know how to dress well.
-be smart.
-be willing (and able) to follow her guy to the ends of the earth and back.
-be compassionate.
-be tough.
-look gorgeous all the time.
-love kids. (A good idea if she's expected to have babies all the time)
Is anyone else seeing any contradictions here?
Guys, I hate to break it to you, but no woman is going to look perfect all the time, even if she stays at home. If you drag her out into the wilderness for weeks at a time with no shower, no hair dryer, and no mirror, she's not going to be Barbie for you (Aside, notice how there never was a 'Camping Barbie'?).
You know how when you go camping after a few days you start looking like Grizzly Adams? Well, guess what? Women don't have a magical wand that makes them pretty. It takes a lot of time, effort, and Product (a word most women know well).
Not to mention that women who spend so much time on looking pretty are usually fairly shallow in other aspects.
It also seems like you're requiring a lot of one woman. Someone to be tough AND compassionate? Play sports AND have lots of babies? And how's she supposed to jump at all these camping trips with all these kids in tow?
Seriously. Does this mean all us REAL women get shafted for the dream of a Trophy wife? What happens when we don't live up to these expectations? What if we can't be a trophy?
I mean, really, good luck finding the woman that fits all those requirements. Call me when you're done fantasizing and you're ready for an adult relationship.
Now it's time for a little rant on my side.
We hear all sorts of junk about how women have these unrealistic ideas about shiny knights on white stallions. Personally I would settle for a brown-and-blond Belgian, but that's just me. The thing is, I never hear anybody talking about guys and THEIR unrealistic expectations.
A few weeks ago I was talking to a bunch of guys and they were discussing girls. I took a few things away from listening to them. Here are some of the things they said or implied that they wanted in a woman. She should:
-like the outdoors.
-enjoy long hiking/camping trips.
-be rustic/ able to survive on campfire meals and sleeping in tents.
-take good care of herself.
-be an amazing Godly woman.
-keep a good clean house.
-cook well.
-be willing to have lots of babies.
-play sports
-know how to dress well.
-be smart.
-be willing (and able) to follow her guy to the ends of the earth and back.
-be compassionate.
-be tough.
-look gorgeous all the time.
-love kids. (A good idea if she's expected to have babies all the time)
Is anyone else seeing any contradictions here?
Guys, I hate to break it to you, but no woman is going to look perfect all the time, even if she stays at home. If you drag her out into the wilderness for weeks at a time with no shower, no hair dryer, and no mirror, she's not going to be Barbie for you (Aside, notice how there never was a 'Camping Barbie'?).
You know how when you go camping after a few days you start looking like Grizzly Adams? Well, guess what? Women don't have a magical wand that makes them pretty. It takes a lot of time, effort, and Product (a word most women know well).
Not to mention that women who spend so much time on looking pretty are usually fairly shallow in other aspects.
It also seems like you're requiring a lot of one woman. Someone to be tough AND compassionate? Play sports AND have lots of babies? And how's she supposed to jump at all these camping trips with all these kids in tow?
Seriously. Does this mean all us REAL women get shafted for the dream of a Trophy wife? What happens when we don't live up to these expectations? What if we can't be a trophy?
I mean, really, good luck finding the woman that fits all those requirements. Call me when you're done fantasizing and you're ready for an adult relationship.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
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