Not for the Faint of Mind.

I think about sex a lot. There's no point in mincing words about it. Sex is on my mind quite often. It has been for many years- more than half of my life now. In fact, I've been struggling with an addiction to sex (mental sex, not physical) for a long time. See my story Here. I'm a missionary now, but I still think about sex more than a good Christian girl should- or at least that's what my ultra-conservative upbringing tells me.

I was a missionary kid, growing up on the border of Mexico and the US, attending a private mission school where I was the only non-Hispanic in my class. During those years, it was communicated to me (never explicitly, but rather implied) that it is improper for women to even suggest that they are sexual creatures. We are not to talk about sexuality or refer to it in any way. We are to be modest in all we say and do, and sex is not a word you utter in polite society except to condemn it.

Along with this teaching was the also-implied lesson that women are not only to hide their sexuality from others and even themselves, but that they are, by default, responsible for the sexuality of men. How, when they don't understand their own desires, they are supposed to control those of an intrinsically different human being, is beyond me. However, that was the teaching. Men are visual creatures, they told us. I purport this to be true- but women are visual too. "Men think about sex every seven seconds," they said, "and they lie about the other six." I can't say that this is true, but I never met a man that disagreed with it. So here we are with two true statements.

But the conclusion they drew couldn't be further from the truth: You, as a woman, have the responsibility of making sure that men think about sex as little as possible. Which is to say, men can't control themselves- they are beasts with no sense of discipline, and your personal willpower is the only thing keeping them chaste.

It's quite a bomb to drop on women, really. You are not only disallowed from thinking about sex, but you must make sure that no one else does either. If a man thinks about sex around you, it's your fault. Gosh, how can I tell what a man's thinking? Heck, I could be belching and picking my nose and he could still be thinking about sex. What am I supposed to do?

Apparently skirts two inches below the knee (and not a millimeter higher, mind you!) shirts with sleeves (real sleeves, not those cap things) and close-toed shoes make men think about sex less. Is there some sort of mental threshold that I'm missing? Does the curve of a shoulder, or the outline of a knee, or the sight of a manicured toenail drive a man wild?

Surely I understand the concept of modesty, but it has nothing to do with not driving men astray. Women are squeezed into ugly one-piece bathing suits while men continue flaunt finely-toned physiques. I confess I've had to look away more than once when one of my male friends took his shirt off. I like the look of a man who takes care of his body and my American culture has taught me to connect sex with the sight of that body. But all in all, I am modest. I like to look good (again, culture tells us that sexy is good and even Christians don't seem to argue with that) but my body is the Temple of God. Still, I think modesty is a matter of attitude more than attire. Meaning that a woman can be more covered than a Baptist preacher's wife and still be tantalizing.

But I didn't set out to talk about modesty. I set out to talk about sex. About unrealistic expectations and what we as Christians should do about it.

Like I said, I think about sex a lot. I dream about it. I've never had sex, so I wonder what it's like. I fear it a little bit when I realize what's expected of me within a marriage and what if I don't do it right and what if it's not good and what if we mess it up and it just ends up being a big fat hole in our marriage? Now that I am romantically interested in someone (though, I must say, not physically attracted to him) I think about it more often.

I'm reading Lauren Winner's Book about chastity and she speaks quite candidly about sex. She addresses a lot of the issues that have always plagued me, issues that I've mentioned above. But the more I read her book, the more I think about sex. My upbringing tells me it's not right to think about sex that much and part of me wants to rationalize it- "But I'm thinking about it in the context of marriage!"

The problem is that I'm not married so even thinking about sex within marriage should be off-limits, by virtue of Christ's treatise that even looking at someone with lust is adultery. I can tell you straight up that I've done more than look with lust.

So the question then is this: how do we single people think about sex without sinning? How do we recognize that God made us sexual creatures to be bound in unity with one another and yet refrain from considering our options before He sees fit to unify us with someone?

And, I think the most plaguing question I have is one that I'd never realize without having listened to James Dobson. Dr. D once said that the Christian community tells its single people to say NO to sex all the time. No, no, no. But suddenly, when you're married, you're supposed to say "Yes!" and say it often, and with great zeal.

How are we to make that switch? How on earth do we live a pure life with a pure mind, not even considering the possibility of sex with someone before we are married, and then, when we say "I do" flip a switch and reverse our opinions entirely?

Paul instructs us that, rather than burn with desire, we just get married. Thanks, Paul. Glad to hear your opinion, but it's not that simple anymore.

One of my best friends told me that she was engaged a couple of years ago because of sex. "That wasn't the only reason I was going to marry him," she said, "But it was a big one. I wanted to have sex." I've long thought that this was a big reason for many Christian marriages. They're forbidden from sex until after the papers are signed and the rings exchanged, so they often hurry the process just so that they can finally be allowed to have sex. That seems a bit warped, but it also seems a right interpretation of Paul's instruction. If you can't control yourself, get married.

But the whole idea seems to me to be somewhat bereft of depth. It seems to me that there is a higher calling somewhere in there- a challenge to live chastely with honor and dignity. Living in chastity both inside and outside marriage can be a greater example to the world around us than simply holding off from sex before marriage because the Bible tells me so.

Living a chaste life free from sexual immorality (whatever that means) seems to be the goal but I, for one, have little or no idea of how to actually carry that out.