What depression looks like... to me.

It starts as an edge. Just a twinge in the back of my mind. A sharpness, or a dullness. Either way, it takes the edge off of the little joys of life. At this point, I don't really notice it.

Then it graduates to being a pending doom. A feeling that something bad is going to happen. I usually interpret this as stress, and I take a Saturday to myself or something. But the dread doesn't go away. It creeps. It aches. Like an inky spot growing in my chest.

Next I start to loose self-esteem and confidence. I start talking myself down and making statements that I claim are "realistic". I sound hopeless and cynical. And I try to give everything an upbeat sound-- the edge of realism. I'm toeing the line.

One morning, I wake up and I look in the mirror. No matter what I see, I hate it. I wash my face twice as often and try to dress nicer, but regardless, I feel ugly.

All this time, the inky spot is growing, until I feel completely sullied. I feel filled with negativity. I try to brush it off, or push it back, but it builds.

And builds.

And builds.

Until one day, when I'm driving in my car, or reading before bed, or standing in the shower, it overflows. For a few minutes, the tears flow freely. I get very tired.

The sad tiredness lasts. The inky spot becomes an emptiness, again eating its way from the inside out.

And I stay empty, but pretending to be full. Sometimes it passes and I can function again.

But maybe some day I'll collapse...