Mistakes...

"I thought that Love was only true in Fairy Tales.
Meant for someone else, but not for me.
Love was out to get me,
That's the way it seemed.
Disappointment haunted all my dreams"
-The Monkees

I've been learning something about myself. I'm learning that when I feel insecure about something, I get jaded. And I act jaded, to protect myself, and to let other people know that I'm okay. I'm fine. Really.


But a few months ago, someone saw through me. I was on one of my cynical rants about the lies that the Church tells us about there being only one person out there that's "meant for you". It bothered me for several reasons. But then my dear friend looked me in the eye, and said, "I believe there's someone out there who's perfect for you."


That cut me to the core. I was upset at first, because he said it in front of other people, and I didn't want to be exposed before them. But then the ache settled, and I realized that I wasn't really upset. Not really. I was afraid. I myself didn't believe what he said. I didn't want to believe something that might not come true-- something that would disappoint me.


But as I've been thinking about it lately, I came to realize something that I never saw before. A blatant, ugly error that has warped my thinking since I was a little girl. I have Fairy Tale Syndrome.


An entire generation of girls (maybe more than one, now) has grown up watching the Disney Princess story. You know it: Boy meets girl, they fall in love. Evil comes between them. boy vanquishes evil, gets girl. They live happily ever after.


And I was looking for that in my life. I was creating drama (without really noticing, for a while) in the hopes that some Prince on a white horse would come and rescue me from my fabricated distress. And every time it didn't happen, I got a little more hopeless.


But here's the thing: Disney got it wrong. In fact, all of Hollywood's got it wrong. The whole world has it wrong. Because they're looking for truth, beauty, fulfillment in another person. This whole idea of finding "The One" stems from a desire to exchange "the glory of immortal God for images resembling mortal man..."


And this is where our Fairy Tale obsession comes from. When we push God out of our love lives, we replace Him with what we hope and dream is fulfillment, but what in reality can only lead to dark disappointment.


So, when I am being jaded, that's really fear. Look at the girls in the movies. They never do anything to make the guys fall in love with them. It just happens (with the exception of Mulan, which strictly speaking was not really a Princess tale, but more of a Feminist Manifesto. But I digress). I am afraid that I lack some innate quality that women are supposed to have to make a man a mumbling fool around them. That I'm not pretty enough, or feminine enough, or... something.


Moreover, there is a deeper fear. This is where I dare not go. This, for me, is delving "too greedily, and too deep". I fear awakening in the darkness a creature of Shadow and Flame within my soul, a creature who admits that I am simply not capable of sustaining that kind of love. True Love.


But I, also am wrong.


There is a "Deeper Magic, from Before The Dawn of Time." And it is this:

"It's your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentance;
Your favor, Lord, that satisfies.
It's Your beauty, Lord, that makes us stand in silence,
and Your love, Your love... is better than life."

Todd Agnew set me straight. Boy + Girl cannot possibly equal eternal happiness. Because neither of them is strong enough to sustain it. But Boy + God + Girl can equal that, because God is Love. God is the Sustainer.


God gives us the Power of Love.