Decisions, decisions.

I'm not making it financially. People always tell you to "rely on God" and "trust Him with your finances", which is what I've been doing. So, I've been trusting God, and tithing whenever I can, and not overspending, and all that stuff that you're supposed to do.

And I am not making it.

I'm working a job that I love right now, but which hardly pays anything. I'm doing grad school, which looked at first like it was going to be cheap, but then the State took money away from the Universities. And I'm driving a dying car.

So, this said, I come to a hard decision about what I can do. I have 3 options.

1) Take out loans and go several thousand dollars further into debt.

2) Drop out of grad school and get a night job to supplement my abysmal teacher's salary.

3) Arrange for my parents to "accidentally" die and collect the life insurance money.

Okay, so #3 is not really an option I would ever consider.

But here's the thing: I hate being in debt. I'm already several thousand dollars in the hole and couldn't afford to make a home purchase anytime soon. Do I really want to double my debt and spend the next 30 years paying it off?

On the other hand, a disgustingly high percentage of people who quit school never go back.

Then again, my Master's program is something I'm really passionate about and deeply believe in.

But then, that's what everyone says.

I'm reminded of my K.i.S.A.'s post on his blog about sitting down and having a cup of coffee with God, asking His advice.

But I'm pretty pissed off at God right now.

I mean, really! I gave two years of my life living in Africa having a horrible time, and You used it to teach me a whole lot about how faithful You are. And about myself. And about how people work. And about depression. And about how hard missionary life really is. You used that time, when I was miserable. And now I'm back home, and I just want a break! Can't you give me a break?! Is it so hard to give me a LITTLE reprieve from Your constant hounding on me? Isn't there some little rich girl that You can teach a lesson to? WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?!

It always feels like my tears go unseen, my cries unheard. There is no rest for me, no break from the constant struggles.

My mom tells me that this is good for me-- that it builds character. But I am a morally upright, trustworthy, loyal, faithful, and honest person! How much more character can I possibly have?! I've had enough of this building character crap. What I need is money!!!

One of my favorite moments in the Bible is in Mark 9, where a man comes to ask Jesus if He can heal his son. Jesus says something like, "If I can? Everything is possible to the one who believes!" The man, chastised, cries, "Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!"

And that's my cry, too.