Analog

D asked for metaphors of people's life journey. Hers is the busy scurrying of an ant. My mom's is a tour of duty in military service. Mine is the flight of a bird. An albatross, more specifically.

The albatross is the bird with the longest wingspan (10-12 feet). It spends most of its life in the air, landing only rarely. That's because they suck at landing. They crash every time. For is bird, the process of choosing a mate takes several years but once chosen, the pair mates for life.

It's the most legendary of all birds, but one of the lesser known. Sailors considered it disastrous to kill an albatross; there are numerous records of ships being lost at sea when an albatross appears to guide the sailors to safe harbor. Sometimes the bird is referred to as the soul of a lost sailor.

The Wandering Albatross (one species of this rare bird) flies up to 550 miles a day, and spends more than 270 days a year in flight. It uses the wind as its motor and glides, going hours without beating a wing.

I'm a wandering albatross. I float along the horizon, eyeing those around. I land disgracefully when I finally do decide to come down to earth. Is my flight aimless? No: I seek fulfillment. But I'm never filled for long, so I must light to the skies again to seek another adventure, another experience more wonderful, another relationship more blessing. And while I soar, there is nothing but me and my Creator. And the comforting biting wind.
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I love D. She's my bosom buddy; my kindred spirit. I can't imagine going into the mission field without her back here praying for me. She makes me feel so REAL. It's fun sharing blessings and struggles. My "core group" is her.

My counselor has asked me to keep track of how often I tell myself a certain lie: the lie that I'm not good enough. That I'm not worth it. Since she said that, I've been noticing that this LIE is pervasive in my life. In fact, it's foundational. It's (drum roll please)

Why I'll Always Be Alone, Reason III

"You get so down on yourself," my friend Ryan always says. I deny it, telling him that I'm just being honest. Realistic. I mean, check out the description by my picture. I'm pulling the classic undersell.

The problem is, I really don't see what's so great about me. I'm smart, but there are a lot of smarter people. I'm funny, but many people are funnier. I'm not ugly, but nobody's ever described me as pretty.

My view of myself gets reinforced by life experience. No one really cares about me, I think. Therefore when I meet someone from high school that doesn't remember my name, I assume it's because I'm forgettable. It doesn't occur to me that maybe that person was too stoned in high school to notice me.

It's a LIE. I know it! I don't WANT it to be true. I KNOW it isn't! But it still invades my thoughts and whispers in my ear, turning my insecurities into reality.

So why will I always be alone?
Reason III: If I don't like me, who else possibly can?