Never, in my short life, have I ever been happier than I was two months ago. I was freshly in love, for the first time and luckily enough someone loved me back. And never have I been more distraught than in the past two weeks, when that love was crushed and rejected.
This sets the stage for what I'm about to say. See, in my last relationship, my boyfriend bought me a lot of things. It started early and escalated. I've never had anyone shower me with gifts as much as he did. Every time I turn around, I see something he gave me and I smile, remembering with bittersweet emotion the events surrounding each gift.
When I mentioned that I was cold all the time because our house heaters were broken, he bought me a thermal blanket. When I nearly froze to death on our walks around the lake, he got me a jacket rated down to 0 degrees. When I complained about the bad quality of the cheap speakers I bought for my Zune, he brought me a docking station. And in the end, when I complained that he had broken my coffee grinder, he placed a much better one on my doorstep, even though we'd already broken up.
But lately, I've been having a recurring dream. It haunts my sleep by night and plagues my thoughts by day.
In it, I gather up all the things he bought me. The blanket first, on the bottom. Then the jacket. The plaid peacoat from my birthday next. The two box sets of Ender books from Christmas. The coffee grinder. The docking station. The pi poster in my classroom. All the little things, too. They all go together.
And once I've gathered them all up, I go and knock on his door. He opens it amid the rain that falls around us, though we aren't getting wet. The rain that matches the tears running down my cheeks. I shove the gifts into his arms.
He protests, of course, reiterating what he said when we broke up. I had asked him if he wanted those things back, or if he wanted some kind of refund for all the money he wasted on me. "No," he said then and still says now, "It was worth it."
But I don't believe him and I force the items toward him. "No! Take them!" I shout. "You can have them." By this time my lips are trembling and I can barely speak. "Please," I beg shamelessly now. "I'll do anything. Just please... give me my heart back?"
Sunday, March 07, 2010
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Trampled
That's how I feel. Stepped on. Downtrodden.
I feel akin to a shirt in a retail store-- tried on, evaluated, torn off, and discarded onto the floor. Who's going to want a shirt with a muddy boot stain on it?
I don't want to just lay here until someone comes to pick me up, fold me, and put me away. Or take me home.
But no one's going to want me. I'm going to sit on the shelf until I get old and dusty. And then I'll be put on a discount rack at a steep discount until either someone takes me out of pity, or I'm tossed away.
Or at least, that's how it feels right now.
I feel akin to a shirt in a retail store-- tried on, evaluated, torn off, and discarded onto the floor. Who's going to want a shirt with a muddy boot stain on it?
I don't want to just lay here until someone comes to pick me up, fold me, and put me away. Or take me home.
But no one's going to want me. I'm going to sit on the shelf until I get old and dusty. And then I'll be put on a discount rack at a steep discount until either someone takes me out of pity, or I'm tossed away.
Or at least, that's how it feels right now.
20 Questions (Post 200!)
For my 100th post I listed a bunch of things that I was learning. This is my 200th post, nearly 2 years later.
I came across a list of questions that the writers recommend you ask yourself to find out what you're looking for, or what you want. They say if someone were to read your answers, they'd know a lot about you, so I though I'd post this here.
1. Who is the most important person in your life, and why?
My mother and my best friend. They are wise and kind, and make sure that I'm thinking about my actions and behaving properly. And they challenge me to become a better person.
2. What is the one dream for your life you most look forward to achieving?
The one thing I want more than anything is to be loved desperately, passionately, but that's not really something I can achieve. So, for things that I can actually achieve, I would like to change just one life for the better.
3. Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you so angry?
My dad. When he's insensitive to others, or makes a joke out of hurting someone, it really angers me because there's nothing I can do.
4. Who has the capacity to make you feel loved more than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to cause you to feel so lovable?
My best friend, when she spends time with me, calls me, shares her heart.
5. How do you feel about yourself—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?
I'm insecure about my physical appearance, because of all the competition we get from the media.
I'm pretty emotionally stable, but I have my roller-coaster moments, especially when my heart gets discarded like a dirty shirt.
I'm intelligent, but not brilliant. I like to think about things.
I wish I was stronger spiritually, but I can do nothing without God's help.
6. When do you feel inspired? How does it feel when you are inspired?
I feel inspired by nature. When I'm outside surrounded by trees or at the beach or on the cliffs or in the desert, I feel strong and small. I feel like I can do anything, and yet I just want to bask in the beauty around me.
7. What is the most important thing in the world to you?
To be true to who God made me to be.
8. If you had one day to live, how would you want to spend it?
With close friends, saying goodbye.
9. When do you feel most afraid?
When I try to figure out goals for my life and come up empty, or think I can't achieve them.
10. If you could accomplish only one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be?
Publish a book that makes people think about the way they view the world.
11. What bores you? Why is this?
People who opine all the time, and about the same things. I want to hear their opinions once. Then I've got it. Don't need to hear it every time I see you. Don't you have anything else to think about? New thoughts?
12. How important is money to you? How much time do you spend thinking about it?
Since I don't have a lot of money (or hardly any at all, really) I think about it a lot, and think about spending it wisely.
13. What is the role of God in your life? Do you believe there is a God, and if so, what is God like in relation to you?
God is instrumental in my life. There is not a moment that goes by that I am not dependent entirely on Him. God's plan for my life is the best possible path, and though it may be painful at times, it's never unbearable, because He gives me the grace to deal with it every day.
14. What three interests are you most passionate about?
Disasters (the issues that arise, helping people mitigate and respond, etc.), Languages and Communication (how people use words and nonverbal language to get messages across), and spiritual relationships (how we deal with each other and our pursuit of God in daily life)
15. Who is your biggest enemy, and precisely how and why did this person become your enemy?
I don't really have any enemies, but there are a few people who I think avoid me.
16. How important is food to you? Do you feel disciplined when it comes to eating?
I need food to survive. I am fairly healthy and try not to eat things that poison my body.
17. Does the idea of being married to the same person for the rest of your life sound appealing to you—or not so appealing? What is there about it that you would especially like or not like?
I would love to find someone to share my life with. But I always wonder if I'm interesting enough, attractive enough, and secure enough to sustain that kind of love. I feel like anyone would get tired of me.
18. Do you consider yourself emotionally healthy? In what ways are you especially healthy, and in what ways could you use improvement?
I am fairly emotionally healthy. However, I sometimes become too dependent on other people in order to determine my self-worth. When they slight me, I feel worthless.
19. Do you argue very much with the people closest to you? How does it usually turn out?
I try not to argue too much. I like a healthy conversation, a good debate, but I'd rather not fight with anyone.
20. What specifically would you like your closest friends to say about you at your funeral?
"She always had a kind word to say."
I came across a list of questions that the writers recommend you ask yourself to find out what you're looking for, or what you want. They say if someone were to read your answers, they'd know a lot about you, so I though I'd post this here.
1. Who is the most important person in your life, and why?
My mother and my best friend. They are wise and kind, and make sure that I'm thinking about my actions and behaving properly. And they challenge me to become a better person.
2. What is the one dream for your life you most look forward to achieving?
The one thing I want more than anything is to be loved desperately, passionately, but that's not really something I can achieve. So, for things that I can actually achieve, I would like to change just one life for the better.
3. Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you so angry?
My dad. When he's insensitive to others, or makes a joke out of hurting someone, it really angers me because there's nothing I can do.
4. Who has the capacity to make you feel loved more than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to cause you to feel so lovable?
My best friend, when she spends time with me, calls me, shares her heart.
5. How do you feel about yourself—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?
I'm insecure about my physical appearance, because of all the competition we get from the media.
I'm pretty emotionally stable, but I have my roller-coaster moments, especially when my heart gets discarded like a dirty shirt.
I'm intelligent, but not brilliant. I like to think about things.
I wish I was stronger spiritually, but I can do nothing without God's help.
6. When do you feel inspired? How does it feel when you are inspired?
I feel inspired by nature. When I'm outside surrounded by trees or at the beach or on the cliffs or in the desert, I feel strong and small. I feel like I can do anything, and yet I just want to bask in the beauty around me.
7. What is the most important thing in the world to you?
To be true to who God made me to be.
8. If you had one day to live, how would you want to spend it?
With close friends, saying goodbye.
9. When do you feel most afraid?
When I try to figure out goals for my life and come up empty, or think I can't achieve them.
10. If you could accomplish only one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be?
Publish a book that makes people think about the way they view the world.
11. What bores you? Why is this?
People who opine all the time, and about the same things. I want to hear their opinions once. Then I've got it. Don't need to hear it every time I see you. Don't you have anything else to think about? New thoughts?
12. How important is money to you? How much time do you spend thinking about it?
Since I don't have a lot of money (or hardly any at all, really) I think about it a lot, and think about spending it wisely.
13. What is the role of God in your life? Do you believe there is a God, and if so, what is God like in relation to you?
God is instrumental in my life. There is not a moment that goes by that I am not dependent entirely on Him. God's plan for my life is the best possible path, and though it may be painful at times, it's never unbearable, because He gives me the grace to deal with it every day.
14. What three interests are you most passionate about?
Disasters (the issues that arise, helping people mitigate and respond, etc.), Languages and Communication (how people use words and nonverbal language to get messages across), and spiritual relationships (how we deal with each other and our pursuit of God in daily life)
15. Who is your biggest enemy, and precisely how and why did this person become your enemy?
I don't really have any enemies, but there are a few people who I think avoid me.
16. How important is food to you? Do you feel disciplined when it comes to eating?
I need food to survive. I am fairly healthy and try not to eat things that poison my body.
17. Does the idea of being married to the same person for the rest of your life sound appealing to you—or not so appealing? What is there about it that you would especially like or not like?
I would love to find someone to share my life with. But I always wonder if I'm interesting enough, attractive enough, and secure enough to sustain that kind of love. I feel like anyone would get tired of me.
18. Do you consider yourself emotionally healthy? In what ways are you especially healthy, and in what ways could you use improvement?
I am fairly emotionally healthy. However, I sometimes become too dependent on other people in order to determine my self-worth. When they slight me, I feel worthless.
19. Do you argue very much with the people closest to you? How does it usually turn out?
I try not to argue too much. I like a healthy conversation, a good debate, but I'd rather not fight with anyone.
20. What specifically would you like your closest friends to say about you at your funeral?
"She always had a kind word to say."
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Rube-Goldberg
In case you don't know, a Rube-Goldberg machine is an incredibly complicated device created to perform a very simple action. This is probably the best, and most intricate, one I've ever seen:
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Monday, March 01, 2010
She Looks to the Sky
There's a song that I came across on an album a long time ago. It's by a singer named Sherri Youngward. I loved it when I first heard it. Here are the lyrics:
They say she is loved by the greatest of all
Who have walked in the world
He lives far away still she spends all her days
Content with only his words
She often walks alone
But never is she lonely
You can offer her anything
Her affections are all for Him only
She looks to the sky
As if He is coming down through the clouds up above
Though no one has seen Him you cannot deny
She is drenched in His love
All the day long she sings sweetly
She says He speaks to her mind
She’s only rich with affliction
Yet a bitter word you won’t find
She lives with assurance
He loves her too deeply to let such distance remain
She’s brimming with longing for Him to come calling
And sweep her away
He wrote this about her when she was only 13 years old! the words are too close to the lyrics of the song for them not to be related.
Now this song has new meaning to me, because I know it was based on a real person. But somehow, it makes that desire and closeness to Christ seem that much more unattainable.
They say she is loved by the greatest of all
Who have walked in the world
He lives far away still she spends all her days
Content with only his words
She often walks alone
But never is she lonely
You can offer her anything
Her affections are all for Him only
She looks to the sky
As if He is coming down through the clouds up above
Though no one has seen Him you cannot deny
She is drenched in His love
All the day long she sings sweetly
She says He speaks to her mind
She’s only rich with affliction
Yet a bitter word you won’t find
She lives with assurance
He loves her too deeply to let such distance remain
She’s brimming with longing for Him to come calling
And sweep her away
When I first heard this song, I wished I could be like this fictional woman, with her extreme devotion to Jesus. However, I recently discovered, thanks to a friend's blog, that this woman was not fictional at all. My friend posted an excerpt from a letter the great preacher Jonathan Edwards wrote about a girl whom he'd heard about and who would later become his wife. These are those words:
They say there is a young lady in [New Haven] who is loved of that Great Being, who made and rules the world, and that there are certain seasons in which this Great Being, in some way or other invisible, comes to her and fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight; and that she hardly cares for any thing, except to meditate on him - that she expects after a while to be received up where he is, to be raised up out of the world and caught up into heaven; being assured that he loves her too well to let her remain at a distance from him always. There she is to dwell with him, and to be ravished with his love and delight forever. Therefore, if you present all the world before her, with the richest of its treasures, she disregards it and cares not for it, and is unmindful of any pain or affection. She has a strange sweetness in her mind, and singular purity in her affections; is most just and conscientious in all her conduct; and you could not persuade her to do any thing wrong or sinful, if you would give her all the world, lest she should offend this Great Being. She is of a wonderful sweetness, calmness, and universal benevolence of mind; especially after this Great God has manifested himself to her mind. She will sometimes go about from place to place, singing sweetly; and seems to be always full of joy and pleasure; and no one knows for what. She loves to be alone, walking in the fields and groves, and seems to have some one invisible always with her.
He wrote this about her when she was only 13 years old! the words are too close to the lyrics of the song for them not to be related.
Now this song has new meaning to me, because I know it was based on a real person. But somehow, it makes that desire and closeness to Christ seem that much more unattainable.
I'm a Geek! I'm a Geek!
Because I'm horribly geeky, I put together my own Geek Code. This thing was first assembled in 1993 but hasn't been updated in over ten years (since 1996) so it's a bit out of date. However, it's fun and worth the effort for me. So here it is!
-----BEGIN GEEK CODE BLOCK-----
Version: 3.12
GS/ED/O d+(-)@ s:>- a- C++ U>+++ P L+ w+ M(+) PS PE++ Y+@ PGP-@ t+(--) !5 X R-(*) tv@(!) b++(+++) DI D- G++ e*++>+++ h>--- r>+++ x?
------END GEEK CODE BLOCK------
A decoder for this can be found here! Just copy/paste the code in and you'll learn all about me! (Just FYI, though, this is a bit cumbersome, because of the way the code is put together. It's not the most user-friendly of systems. But then again, it was designed for UNIX users.)
-----BEGIN GEEK CODE BLOCK-----
Version: 3.12
GS/ED/O d+(-)@ s:>- a- C++ U>+++ P L+ w+ M(+) PS PE++ Y+@ PGP-@ t+(--) !5 X R-(*) tv@(!) b++(+++) DI D- G++ e*++>+++ h>--- r>+++ x?
------END GEEK CODE BLOCK------
A decoder for this can be found here! Just copy/paste the code in and you'll learn all about me! (Just FYI, though, this is a bit cumbersome, because of the way the code is put together. It's not the most user-friendly of systems. But then again, it was designed for UNIX users.)
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